Words We Never Say Read online

  WORDS WE NEVER SAY

  Copyright © 2021 by Heidi Dischler

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

  may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

  without the express written permission of the publisher

  except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Printed in the United States of America

  First Printing, 2021

  ISBN: 9798594754843

  Book Cover Design by Heidi Dischler

  Check out the author’s website!

  www.HeidiDischler.com

  “The tragedy is not that things are broken. The tragedy is that things are not mended again.”

  —Alan Paton

  For the ones who read without question and questioned without judgement.

  Chapter 1

  “She’s beautiful. Isn’t she beautiful, Michael?”

  Emery could hear the home video playing downstairs. It meant that her mother was still awake, even though it was two o’clock in the morning. Maybe Emery wasn’t the only one who was restless in that house.

  “What should we name her?”

  She sat on her bed with an oversized sweatshirt and shorts on, watching as Matt got dressed. He was slipping on his jeans, socks, shoes, shirt last, of course—Emery knew he wanted to make a spectacle of himself—and eventually came over to reach for her hand. Emery felt comfortable with him like with quiet mornings and hot coffee: languid and calm. She had to wonder sometimes, though, if that was enough.

  “Emery. We should name her Emery.”

  Emery grabbed Matt’s hand and led him to the window. She was ready for him to go. The fact that her mother was awake downstairs made it even more clear to her. Emery reached into her closet and pulled out the fire escape ladder, lowering it carefully down the side of the house and securing it on the windowsill. She took extreme care when it came to making no noise. Matt, however, didn’t seem to notice the stealth that she was trying to have. As Matt began his descent, he stretched his neck back up to give Emery one last kiss, knocking loudly on the side of the house.

  Emery shushed him, gave him a kiss, and ushered him farther down the ladder.

  “Our little girl.”

  After Matt was gone and the fire escape ladder was back in her room, Emery tip-toed downstairs to see her mother.

  Amelia McQuain was sitting on a couch in front of the living room TV watching a younger version of Emery ride a bike for the first time. Amelia had tears in her eyes, and Emery wasn’t sure if she should comfort her mother or roll her eyes. After graduating from high school a few weeks ago, Emery had gotten a front row seat for her mother’s nostalgias. So, Emery decided on responding with a balance of the two.

  “Mom,” she said gently, touching her mother’s shoulder.

  Her mother reached up and grabbed her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. Amelia continued to cry, letting the tears flow in front of Emery. That was one thing that her mother never did. Amelia McQuain never wiped away her tears. Emery was always told that tears were there for a reason and shouldn’t be wiped away.

  Amelia looked up at Emery, “I thought I heard something,” and then continued, raising her eyebrows questioningly, “Can’t sleep?”

  Emery blushed and turned her head away, feigning stretching her neck. “Yeah, just restless, I guess.” Emery came around to the front of the couch and sat down next to her mother. Emery took the remote and paused the video, tired of seeing her own memories on the screen. “You need to stop watching this video, Mom,” Emery teased as she bumped her mother’s shoulder.

  Amelia bumped her back and looked at the paused image on the screen. It was a blurry image of Emery—four years old?—riding her “big girl bike” for the first time with her shoulders pressed forward for more speed.

  Emery looked over at her mother’s face. It had grown dark, some gray cloud passing over her features. “Mom, are you okay?” Emery asked.

  “I-I—” Amelia started, the tears coming back down her cheeks. Her creative, slender, paint-stained fingers came up to hold the necklace around her neck.

  “You know I’m just going to the local college, right?” Emery joked. “I’ll still be staying here.”

  Amelia’s face stretched into a smile but Emery knew it wasn’t a real one. Emery watched as her mother shook her head, wiped away her tears, and pulled her into a hug.

  Her mother began to say something about it being alright and her being okay, but Emery barely registered any of it. Amelia had wiped away her tears and Emery knew something was wrong. Something a lot deeper than her graduating high school.

  Amelia McQuain had breakfast ready the next morning. Although, Emery was the only one who was awake and coming downstairs. Jaxx, Emery’s eleven-year-old younger brother, was always waking up late—if even at all—during the morning. It may have been summer, but Emery knew that her parents would not let Jaxx sleep in too late. Michael, her father, would always ask her to wake Jaxx up. It was like clockwork every morning at breakfast. Emery knew it was her mother’s idea, though. Amelia would just get her husband to implement the tender command.

  Emery watched her mother’s artist’s hands as they piled a plate full of eggs and bacon for Emery. Emery always thought her mother was the most creative person she had ever known. Amelia could paint, draw, and write, but painting was her passion.

  All over their two-story home, original paintings hung on the walls. Some had quotes, some were landscapes, but all were done by Amelia—including the original quotes that were painted onto the canvases. In the kitchen, though, where Emery was about to sit down to eat breakfast, there were sketches and only sketches. The only one who did not have a portrait was Amelia because none of her children had inherited her aptitude for creativity. Jaxx and Emery had both tried, but their portraits of their mother looked more clunky and abstract than her realistic sketches.

  “You look a little tired, sweetheart,” Amelia said with a smile as she placed the breakfast in front of Emery.

  “I could say the same thing about you, Mom,” Emery teased. Emery raised a mouthful of eggs to her mouth right as her father walked into the kitchen.

  “Go wake your brother, Emmy, and stop picking on your mother!” Michael McQuain said to his daughter.

  Emery, resigned, lifted herself from the chair she was sitting on to go back upstairs. Her parents were both laughing—the epitome of bad parenting—as she climbed the stairs, but she was smiling, too.

  Jaxx’s blue framed black door was closed. As she entered Jaxx’s room, she could not help the disgusted look that was plastered on her face. The odor was horrendous, and just the sight of his room made Emery want to gouge her eyes out. Jaxx’s room was decorated to look like space, but it looked like a starry-filled trashcan to Emery. Everything was a wreck: clothes strewn across the floor, dirty dishes stacked by the bed, a piece of moldy pizza crust on top of one. She did not think pizza crust could mold, but here she was being disproven.

  Emery silently stalked across the room, seeing her attack in the form of a half-empty water bottle on Jaxx’s nightstand. She slowly opened it, saw her eleven-year-old brother sleeping peacefully with his glasses askew on his face, and dumped the water onto him.

  She bolted from the room as Jaxx yelled in surprise. Emery threw herself through the black door and was just barely able to close the door as some unknown object hit it with a bang.

  Emery smirked to herself as she walked back downstairs into the kitchen. She reached for her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans to check the time:

  Thursday, 7:32 AM, May 23

  She was meeting up with Matt and Zoe for coffee at eight, so she knew she needed to hurry if she was going to be there on ti
me. So, Emery sat down at the table in the kitchen and started eating from the plate her mother had given her earlier.

  “Thanks, Mom,” Emery said in between a heaping spoonful of eggs.

  Jaxx came into the kitchen then looking just as peeved as Emery imagined he would be. His hair looked slightly damp and Emery could not help but chuckle to herself. Jaxx shoved her as he sat down at the table.

  Emery watched her mother put a plate with just as much food as hers in front of Jaxx. Amelia’s hair was held up with a paint brush—a used one at that—and Emery noticed the paint on her mother’s collarbone, right next to the necklace that was always around her neck. It was a peculiar necklace that Emery never quite caught the meaning of. It had one very small gold ring, a slightly larger silver one, and an even bigger bronze ring. They were all connected, tied together by each other and the chain itself. It was a dainty necklace that Emery always thought fit her mother perfectly.

  Emery’s father wrapped his arms around Amelia’s waist and planted a kiss on her cheek. Emery stood as her parents were caught in that embrace and reached for her keys on the countertop just as her father reached for his.

  “Michael, Emery, don’t forget that we’re going out to eat tonight as a family.”

  “And we’re using my new telescope after!” Jaxx piped up.

  “Of course, Mom. Wouldn’t miss it.” Emery looked over to Jaxx and shrugged, “Might have to miss the stargazing, though.”

  Jaxx threw a piece of bacon at her and Emery ducked easily.

  “You know I’ll be there, Jaxx,” she said as she went over to ruffle his hair.

  He swatted her hand away.

  Emery walked over to her mother and kissed her on the cheek, watching as her father smiled. It was not a smile that Emery was used to seeing on her father. It was off in some way, but she did not stay long enough to find out why.

  Chapter 2

  “You’re late,” Zoe said as Emery rushed up to her best friend. She hugged Zoe for her punctuality since Emery never had any of her own. Today, Zoe’s lips were a bright, hot pink, which was in stark contrast with her olive skin. It would be in contrast with anyone’s skin if Emery were being completely honest, but Zoe was able to pull it off. “You’re lucky I got here early with your boyfriend. He’s been guarding our table while I got the coffee.” Zoe raised the drink holder with the three coffees each snug in its own cup holder.

  Revival Springs Café was packed. Its rustic, brick walls barely visible. Emery expected nothing less. It was, after all, Reveal Day. Every senior from her graduating class was here. They all came for the same thing.

  “They have our table pushed away from the wall, but they said we can move it back after the reveal,” Zoe said as she led Emery through the crowd. Revival Springs Café was the only café in their small town, therefore the mecca for studying students. The name itself seemed to be making light of the fact that every town in Colorado had the word “springs” in it—including their own.

  Mercy Springs was the type of town that was very proud of its high school. The community college had nothing on Mercy Springs High. The graduating seniors were the town’s pride and joy, which was why every business sponsored the high school.

  That particular café had a ritual of sorts with their sponsorship. Every year they reserved a section of their brick wall for graduating seniors. Each senior had the chance to pay a small fee to engrave their name on one of the bricks. In return, the café donated the proceeds to the high school. It was bigger than letterman jackets—even bigger than class rings—and that year, it seemed like fate because the section of brick that was reserved was right where Zoe, Matt, and Emery’s table was.

  It had always been them against the world. Zoe, Matt, and Emery had grown up together. They were inseparable from the very beginning, always fighting with wooden swords, making secrets just to have between themselves, having more inside-jokes than they could count on their fingers. It had changed that year, though. Matt told Emery at the end of that past year that he had feelings for her. Emery wasn’t thrilled about the idea—she had never thought of Matt that way before. Her main concern was ruining their trio, but he had been so persistent that she had to take that leap and try it out. So far, the risk had paid off. They were having fun—as much fun as eighteen-year-olds could have—but Emery was growing restless. It felt more like friendship to her than love.

  The brick wall was covered with a plastic sheet and two café employees were on both sides, preparing to drop it. All of the graduated seniors stood in front of the wall, so Zoe and Emery pushed their way through to Matt, who—with arms folded—was guarding their table. Emery thought he looked like a bodyguard as he spoke with some of his friends. She wished she could say that she felt butterflies as he turned to speak with her, but the truth was not that simple.

  “Long time no see,” he said to her as he pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

  Behind them, Zoe gagged as she pulled Emery away from Matt to hug her. Emery accepted the embrace with a laugh. “See, Matt, she loves me more,” Zoe said, squeezing her best friend tightly.

  Emery jerked slightly from the “love” comment. Zoe noticed, glancing down at Emery. Thankfully, Matt did not.

  “That’s not what it seemed like this morning,” Matt quipped with a wriggle of his eyebrows.

  “Ah, ah!” Zoe waved her hands around her ears as if it would stop the words from registering.

  Emery’s cheeks flushed as she punched Matt, smiling awkwardly.

  Zoe shook her head, promptly grabbed her cup, and said, “I need coffee.” She took a big swig and hoisted herself down into an empty seat at their table. “Oh, Em, guess what?”

  Emery sat next to her best friend, excited already just by seeing how excited Zoe was. “What?” Emery urged.

  “I got the internship at the hospital! I’m gonna be a medical scribe for this doctor who my mom knows.”

  Emery was practically buzzing with the news. “That’s awesome! That’ll look great for your med school applications.”

  “I know! College is gonna be so amazing, Em. I can’t wait.” Zoe was bouncing with excitement, her tight, black curls bouncing with her.

  “Meanwhile,” Matt started as he sat down with them, “we’re here still trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives.”

  “At least you have a football scholarship,” Emery said, not looking at either of them. Matt was going to a different college while Emery and Zoe were staying close to home at the local community college. It had been a sore subject for a while, but there wasn’t much left to say about it. Even though he’d only be an hour away, it was crushing Emery that the trio was separating.

  Emery’s stomach clenched at the thought of the future, but she pushed the thoughts from her mind and focused on the covered brick wall. The reveal was about to happen and she wasn’t going to miss it.

  They all had front row seats as the plastic sheet was dropped, but none of them were sitting by the time it came down. They were side-by-side, staring at the brick that they requested their names be on. It was the perfect height to always be visible at their table when they were sitting. There, right in front of their eyes, was each of their names:

  Zoe Harlan

  Emery McQuain

  Matt Flannery

  It felt monumental. It was a high that Emery couldn’t explain. Even though there were several other pressing matters on her mind, she felt amazing. There wasn’t a time in Emery’s memory that topped that moment, but despite the high that she felt, she couldn’t shake the growing pit of worry in her stomach. No matter how many times Zoe spoke about how amazing college would be, Emery couldn’t imagine anything better than this moment. So, if this was the best that it could get, how could college even come close to measuring up?

  Emery and Matt talked animatedly as Emery drove him home. The music in the car was playing at a low volume, neither of the car’s passengers focusing on the sound. They were focused on each other.
/>
  When the space was finally void of conversation, Matt stretched his arm behind his back and smiled nervously. “You know, Em, it’s been an amazing four months with you.”

  Emery looked over to him, realization dawning on her.

  “And I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Don’t freak out, but I think I—”

  “Holy shit!” Emery shouted as she slammed on the brakes, very nearly missing the bumper of the vehicle in front of her. The car behind her honked as her car squealed to a stop.

  She wasn’t sure what just happened. She wasn’t paying attention. Emery was so overwhelmed by Matt’s almost-declaration of love that she almost got into an accident. She wasn’t expecting him to take such a serious turn so fast. After all, she had never told anyone in a romantic way that she loved them.

  Too much was happening. She was not ready for all of the change that promised to make itself known. She wasn’t ready to leave high school. She wasn’t ready to decide what she would do with the rest of her life. She wasn’t ready to move forward in her relationship with Matt. Especially since he wouldn’t be there in the fall. She wasn’t ready for her trio to split apart, which scared her the most.

  The fact that she was more scared of their friendship breaking up between her, Zoe, and Matt than the idea of she and Matt breaking up their romantic relationship told her something she wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

  Emery stared blankly at the red light in front of her. “I’m sorry, Matt, I don’t know what happened.”

  Matt remained silent and Emery couldn’t help but to feel relieved.

  Chapter 3

  The day went as fast as it had come. Emery was walking out of the restaurant with her mom, dad, and Jaxx. They were all supposed to go stargazing after dinner—it was Emery’s favorite part about Thursday’s family night—but tonight it was just going to be her, Jaxx, and her mom.